When I married my second husband the warning bells were clanging long before I said "I do" But I was in such a bad place, in my mind that is. Afraid of living for the most part or afraid I wasn't living enough. I don't know which. But I jumped from one bad relationship into another. Actually this one was worse. At least my 1st husband was for the most part an honest, decent man. The next 5 years would prove to be a total nightmare. I still cringe when I think about how stupid I allowed myself to be. Working on the healing issues but it's going to take a long time. Trying to forgive yourself for being stupid is very hard.
Anyway, I was dealing with someone who had so much practice in lying he couldn't even tell the truth if he wanted to. He was a con artist for sure. Even when he knew you knew he was lying he couldn't stop. And a gambler on top of that. A real heavy one too. It was so bad he wasn't paying bills or telling me his dad stole his paycheck. Even blamed my kids of losing his wallet.
The time we were together I learned a lot about myself. Other than being stupid and weak. I had a lot of rage and he is truly lucky to be alive. I learned to still the outside with inside a mess was raging. It's like trying to learn to not turn into the hulk. Taking that shaking rage and putting a lid on it. Did I mention how lucky he is?
At the end when we were separated and I was trying to move on he was playing games. Calling my work and hanging up. Calling and pretending to be the police. That was a funny one. He was from the police and he told me that my husband had been shot and I was a suspect. Even when I told him I knew who he was he still continued. So I finally told him I wish I did shot my husband but you can tell it wasn't me cause he is still alive. I would've finished the job. Better yet I would've done it with my bare hands it would've been more enjoyable that way. To feel his life draining. Did I mention he is lucky to be alive? He was harassing me so bad nothing scary I damn sure wasn't afraid of the little man but it was annoying. And he wouldn't show himself to me or come close. I couldn't get any help from the police. In fact in court I almost got arrested for the anger I was displaying for the lack of help I was offered.
One day I snapped. I figured 3 meals and a cot wasn't so bad for seeing him dead and I started hunting him. I was determined that I was going to finish it. I was done. If the law wasn't going to help then I would settle this myself. Found him! His dad is at the V.A. hospital! I could wait for him in his dad's room. My sister convinced me it was better to come to Illinois where she was at. Thought about it. Figured what the hell? Told everyone except a select few we were moving to Hawaii and off to Illinois we went. Hadn't heard from him since. Until recently when he started to send friend requests to be. See I told you he was still alive.
So that's why I'm still married. Been separated since '97. Two thoughts go thru my mind on our anniversary 1) I was fucked up. 2) I lived thru hell and came out on top. I don't want to write down everything that happened that would take forever. But you get the idea, I hope. If not let me tell you another story.........
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